Meet me at camera 3

"Congress has abdicated its duty..."

"...the leadership of the Democratic Party wrote Chapter One of “Profiles In Cowardice”...

"Unlike our Democratic leaders, I am a Democrat who has backbone and conviction. I am hereby defunding YOU!"

"Any compromise that funds the war through the end of the fiscal year isn't a compromise at all, it's a capitulation..."

"Democrats cave in to Bush..."

Wow. You guys have really made a mess of this. I mean... really.

Hey Nancy, Harry -- as Jon would say (if he were here; he's on vacation) -- meet me at camera 3.

(Jon - buddy - I'm in withdrawal.)

[Camera 3]

Look, I know what you're dealing with here. Its painfully obvious.

Bush and Cheney and their entire pack of necons are bullies, plain and simple. They're knocking you down, taking your lunch money and threatening to beat the crap out of you. You're obviously afraid of them. Let me give you a tip, something I learned in elementary school when these rich, entitled thugs went after me.

Bullies respond to one thing, and one thing only: courage. You don't have to be physically stronger than they are, but you can stand there and take it, stare straight ahead and refuse to flinch. Or better still, you can stare them down. You can show them that you aren't afraid. This will worry them, and win you many friends and allies. Its the last thing they want, believe me. All you have to do is call their bluff.

You see, they know their best and only tactic for getting what they want is to throw their weight around. I'm not sure why, exactly. Perhaps they saw their parents pushing people around, or maybe they were ignored at home. I never really thought about it as a kid; I was too busy trying to survive.

One thing I did eventually figure out. That swagger is all bluff.

Honestly, I swear - they seem to be afraid of everything.

They're afraid that you are smarter than they are. They're afraid that you will 'win' and they will 'lose.' They're afraid that a group of you will somehow overpower them. They're afraid that you are all talking about them behind their backs. They're afraid that you are not talking about them behind their backs. They're afraid you're better than they are. They're convinced that everyone likes you better, respects you more; and they think everything is a dog-eat-dog competition.

Sometimes they just assume that because you're smart, or have less money, you're 'weak' (I'm pretty sure their parents taught them that one - it seems to be an inherited mindset.)

And when they break the rules (as they invariably do,) they're afraid that you will rat on them and turn them in. Bullies know they have no real friends.

And so to compensate for whatever the hell they're missing, they build themselves up by knocking other people down. If that doesn't work - believe me - they back right down. They can't afford to let anyone see them fail.

Another good defense against bullies is humor. They have absolutely no idea what to do with humor, and of course, they're secretly afraid that everyone is laughing at them anyway.

Did you see Stephen Colbert take it to the president and the media corps at the White House correspondents dinner last year? Boy did he nail them! Little Stevie Colbert... a skinny guy with glasses!

That video ripped through the internet like wildfire, and do you know why? Because Stephen Colbert was 'everyman' -- every one of us who was ever bullied by these smug, self-righteous thugs. He stood up and he nailed them by God; he spoke the terrible truth and called them out, right to their faces.

And he was funny! What could they do?

You have power to stop this war, you're just afraid to use it. You're letting them tell you what you can and cannot do, and guys... you can't do that anymore. Time to suck it up.

Never EVER apologize or capitulate. You are Congress. You are an equal branch of our government, and you represent all of us out here. And by the way -- you're supposed to be setting the war strategy, controlling troop levels and determining withdrawal dates. Its your job. You can't let some swaggering bully take your job away from you.

You're still afraid they're going to knock you down and take your gum drops, aren't you? Yeah. It shows.

My guess is that you (like so many of us) were pushed around when you were kids. That's OK, we understand that. But its not to late to learn the 'lesson of the bully.'

The way to win this fight is to stand there quietly, confidently, stare them down -- and refuse to give in. When they say something really stupid, laugh. Its OK - God knows we're all laughing. Feel free to join us.

Never apologize for being real. Remember, confidence and strength worries them. That's the reason they attack you. Attacks are a good sign that you're winning (just ask Michael Moore.) If you're under attack, that's definitely no time to back down. Laugh, ride it out, let everyone see their taunts aren't bothering you at all. Give it right back to them.

When you're feeling like Neville Chamberlain, pretend you're Winston Churchill. Never give up, never surrender. You are confident and you are right. That's how you win. That's how you beat a bully.

You have the moral high ground, and the responsibility to end this war. Use it.

Oh and by the way: an entire nation of angry people is lining up behind you. We were bullied too.